JFK's Magical Adventure!
by CrazyCartoonChick236
Summary: President Kennedy goes on a magical adventure to save his family from the evil wizard! (This was not meant to offend the Kennedy or Oswald family)


JFK's Magical Adventure!

By: Samantha Hoskins

This is the story about JFK's magical adventure. However, we are not at the magical adventure part yet, of course, so I will have to rewind back to the beginning. It will take a while. . . . Okay, I'm finished!

Once upon a time, JFK was sitting in his super amazing White House office thing watching Despicable Me 2. Even thought the sequel was not as creative or well-written as the original, it still had its own magical charm that hypnotized millions of people to waste their money on movie tickets. What was that charm you ask? It's simple: The Minions.

But the movie that JFK was watching at the moment is not important right now, for we have a plot to focus on. Anyways, while JFK was watching the movie, the evil wizard, Lee Harvey Oswald, crashed in through the window! OH MY GAWD! :O

"Mr. President!" Oswald called out in his intimidating voice, "I have committed a dastardly deed!"

"What did you do?" JFK asked rather calmly.

"I have kidnapped your wife, Jackie, and your three children, John Jr., Caroline, and Patrick!"

After he said those words, an awkward silence filled the air. After a few seconds, JFK muttered, "Uh, Patrick just died, actually."

"What? Seriously?" Oswald scratched the back of his neck nervously. "Dang. That's the second one, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it is. . ."

"Oh, man. I, uh. . . I'm sorry about that. I kinda feel like a jerk now, since I just kidnapped your entire family and stuff." Oswald cleared his throat. "Anyways, I have kidnapped your wife and 2 children! I have taken them to Mt. Fuji! You must go on a magical adventure to save them in time, or I will feed them to my crazy Hindu volcano gods!"

"Oh noes!" JFK cried, looking all stupid and Japanese, "But how can I go on a MAGICAL adventure? Nothing about the United States is magical!"

"I'm not going to tell you! I'm the bad guy, remember?" Oswald argued.

"Oh, tarter sauce!" JFK cursed in a mildly child-friendly manner. He watched Oswald jump on some flying camels and soar out the window. JFK was pretty sad because his family was gone. He didn't have any magical powers, so he couldn't go save them without breaking his beautiful, handsome face.

But then he remembered something. He remembered a weird guy he met when he was in high school. He had white hair, he was super creepy, and he was made of a colony of sentient bacteria. His name was Hugh Bliss.

He had magical powers! Maybe Hugh could help him on his quest! So JFK decided to set out and look for the magical pony tailed freak show himself: HUGH BLISS! He put on a yellow jumpsuit like the one that April O' Neil wore, go a cool South Park baseball cap, and flew up into the air like a rocket, completely obliterating the White House.

He was flying over 9,000 miles per hour, but had to stop because there was a giant river blocking his way. There was also a bunch of alligators and Japanese fighting-monsters inside the river. JFK had no idea how to cross it. But then he remembered something Parappa the Rappa told him many years ago: "I gotta believe!" So JFK believed as hard as he could, and a giant bridge appeared out of thin air and concentrated sweat particles.

So he crossed the river and went through the woods. After a few hours of skipping like a schoolgirl, he reached Hugh Bliss's house. It was a little cottage with many colors painted on it. It was so bright and colorful that it could give a blind person seizures.

JFK knocked on the door, which was almost immediately answered by Hugh Bliss. "Hi! I'm Hugh Bliss!" Hugh greeted, with a small *ding* following his name.

"That was fast. Did you know I was coming?" JFK asked.

Hugh Bliss laughed, "Of course I did, silly billy! I saw into the future using Prismatology magic!"

"You saw into the future?" JFK asked, "That's pretty flippin' cool. How do you do it?"

"It's easy! You just merge the yellow of your mind with the purple of your heart! Then, wrap it around the indigo of your soul!"

"So, it's impossible to learn how to see into the future," JFK concluded, "Anyways, I need your help, bro. Oswald kidnapped my family and took them to Mt. Sushi or whatever."

"Oh my!" Hugh Bliss gasped, "That's horrible!"

"Yeah, I know. I have to go on a magical adventure, so I need your help."

"I'll help! I remember you being so nice to me in high school!" Hugh Bliss said with a smile.

JFK laughed. "Dude, I posted a picture of you wearing a Sailor Moon costume on 4Chan!"

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Now let's go off on a magical adventure!" JFK exclaimed with excitement and many exclamation points.

"HOORAY!" Hugh cheered.

Hand in hand, JFK and Hugh Bliss teleported to a nearby Taco Ball for some reason. They couldn't go on a magical adventure on an empty stomach! They went in and ordered some nachos and quesadillas. While they were eating and trying their best not to pass out when smelling the toxic Mexican fumes, they spotted a familiar face on the opposite side of the table: Heavy Weapons Guy!

Heavy was JFK's co-worker when he had that day job at Best Buy. He was a little stupid, but he was really strong and had a funny Russian accent. JFK went over to say "Hi!"

"Hi!" greeted JFK, trying not to be blinded by the sun's rays reflecting off of Heavy's bald head.

"HEY! I KNOW YOU! YOU ARE JFK!" Heavy stated.

"Man, I've missed you and your 5 pound vocal cords! How've you been lately? You got a new job?"

"I HAVE NEW JOB! I KILL PEOPLE FOR MINIMUM WAGE!"

"Holy wow, I want that job!"

"DA! YOU JOIN RED TEAM, NO?"

"I kinda wanna be on the green team, cause green's my favorite color."

Heavy stared at him intently, looking as if he wanted to rip off JFK's arms and eat them with his Doritoz Locoz Tacoz. "YOU CAN'T JOIN MY TEAM ANYMORE!"

"Anyways, Hugh Bliss and I really need your help. My family was kidnapped and taken to Mt. Doodie or whatever by Lee Oswald."

"OH, NO! DO NOT WORRY! I WILL HELP YOU WITH MY GIANT MUSCLES AND TINY NUT-SIZED BRAIN!" Heavy promised.

"Thanks, bro." JFK stuck out his fist to Heavy, and they bro-fisted.

After they finished their exquisite Mexican cuisine, they had enough fuel to fly to Mt. Fuji. They saw Lee Oswald, JFK's family tied up with rope, and a crazy Hindu god that resembled a rotten potato.

"You are too late, Mr. President!" Oswald taunted, "The god is hungry, and your family is the deli's special!"

"That's the worst analogy I've ever heard!" JFK called back.

"You can try to stop me, but I've already built up a bunch of awesome power while you were eating tacos!" Oswald wiggled his fingers and shot lightning out at Heavy. Heavy yelled out in agony, and he died, becoming a nice, crispy plate of bacon.

"NO! HEAVY!" JFK cried. As tears ran down his face, he noticed something beneath the blanket of bacon grease and pig fat. He saw some Monterey Jack cheese. He took it and put it in his inventory.

Oswald laughed maniacally. "One down, two to go!" He rose his arms into the air, releasing a wave of armpit stench. The BO wave went up Hugh Bliss's nostrils. His eyes watered, and they burst into flames. Hugh Bliss became nothing more than a dried-out husk of flesh and nuclei.

"NO! HUGH BLISS!" JFK cried. As tears ran down his face, he noticed something inside his hollowed-out skull. He saw a red ruby. He took it and put it in his inventory.

"MUHAHUAHUAHUAHUA! I have killed your friends, JFK! Now you're next in line to taste the knuckle sandwich!" Oswald threatened.

"OH MY GOD, STOP WITH ALL THE FOOD REFERENCES ALREADY! YOU'RE MAKING ME HUNGRY!" JFK selected the cheese and ruby from his inventory. He combined them both together to create the legendary Jack Ruby.

"Holy cow! Not the legendary Jack Ruby! That's my one weakness!" Oswald screamed in terror.

"Good!" JFK rubbed the Jack Ruby, and it shot a giant laser at Oswald's chest. He fell over into the mouth of the Hindu god. After his lunch, the god went back into the volcano to watch some NFL.

JFK untied his family, and after many hugs, kisses, and inappropriate toilet jokes, they went over to the rotting, lifeless corpses of his friends.

They bowed their heads and mourned the fallen heroes for about 10 seconds or something. Then JFK grimly asked, "What should we do with these bodies?"

Jackie Kennedy though for a moment. "Beef stew for dinner tonight?"

"YEAH!" cheered the Kennedy family.

So, kids, what have we learned today? No, we didn't learn the letter "g"! We learned a very valuable lesson for many people to live by: We learned that the Kennedy family is full of cannibals, and that Jackie is really good at making beef stew.

Oh yeah, and something about friendship and teamwork, or something.

THE END


End file.
